Jokes

 

Cinderella's Condition

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition? "You must be home by 2:00 a.m.   Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.

He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

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Mouse VS Mouse

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,  "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy."

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IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as the dickins' everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

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Jane's Education

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs."Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

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Pinocchio's Pickle

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

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Something's Up

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired! "

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Young Girl's Date

A young girl was going on a date.

Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but  don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breasts, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

 "It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had  predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

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Firefighter Kitty

A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little
girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden
hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet.
 
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat..
 
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
 
"Thanks," the girl says.
 
The firefighter takes a closer look. He notices the girl has tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
 
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster."
 
"You're probably right", the little girl replies thoughtfully,
"But then I wouldn't have a siren."

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The Memo

Subject: Corporate Memo...[mk]

Memo To All Employees

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older
employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is
called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees
who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of
SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than
any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive
enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT you can stand, and once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

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Grassfire Heroes

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The
fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could
handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department
be called.  Though there was doubt that they would be of any
assistance, the call was made.
 
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire
truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the
middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck
and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they
had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two
easily controllable parts.
 
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's
work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented
the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.
 
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.
 
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna
do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

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Wal-Mart Wine

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount
item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is
teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the
spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs
may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their
shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken,
professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She
said: "The right name is important." So, here we go:

The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ...
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with
white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).

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Why God Created Children

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

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Vocabulary Lesson

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference
between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment,
then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you
learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of
course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and
send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister
and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The
girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "The boy then went to his brother
and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of
course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days,
then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the
difference between potentially and realistically?"  The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............. but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

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